I’ve spent the last few days at home. I’ve indulged myself with wearing comfy pajamas, fuzzy socks, forgetting about bedtimes, sleeping until I wake and making breakfast for Miss R. I’ve cooked lovely dinners, opened a bottle of pino and watched Netflix movies. I’ve ignored the world outside except for my little family.
I’m practicing kindness. To myself. It’s a foreign concept but one I could get use to. I’m finding this space between Christmas and New Year a sanctuary from working demands of a busy life. I’ve slowed to an almost crawl. And, you know what, I highly recommend it!
With all of the indulgences during the Holiday Season my diet is not always the best and, let’s be honest, I’m not at the gym as regularly as I should. Add the chaos of shopping, parties and family stress tis the season to fall off the health wagon.
But instead of throwing in the towel with planned New Year resolutions I reach for herbal supplements like Banyan Healthy Vata Stress Ease to balance my crazy lifestyle. A few years ago I stumbled on to Banyan Botanicals website and blog and was introduced to great alternatives to wind down and find balance. It’s exactly what this type A lady needs – a reminder to breathe in joy and fully embrace the Christmas Season.
Christmas music playing from my ear buds, a cup of chai tea next to me with rampant thoughts of my children cycle around and around on an unending loop I am decidedly sad. What young mothers do not know is all that worry and effort spilled onto your little ones blend and seep into later years and never, ever really leaves even when your children are adults. How I wish I could still pick my child up and save them from touching that hot stove or hug them until all the hurt goes away and kiss them until giggles replace sobs. Instead adults make adult decisions and live with those choices. I don’t have to agree with it but I struggle with watching the continued impacts those choices have.
The first step of solving a problem is admitting to the issue. I am an enabler. Not only that I am a practicing adult child frantically trying to parent everyone around me so that I can move to peace, security and tranquility while ignoring my own good. Is this what 49 brings? Recognition? Hopefully as my last decade closes I will eventually move from recognition to action in this space. But it’s so hard. My gut cinches at the thought. I just want my kids to be happy so that I can be happy. See!?! Ugg. I have to stop waiting to be happy. I have to stop waiting. Happiness is not based on circumstance but on being present in this very moment. I need to smack myself and remember that, right?
Take a deep breath, I remind myself and breathe out the angst. Breathe in peace and breath out a prayer that God will provide for my children in spaces that I can’t ever imagine or physically reach. If ever there is a time for a Christmas miracle it would be now.
This full moon is all about communication and insight, at least according to a few online posts I’ve read like cafeastrology.com. I also found myself on Facebook watching Robert Ohotto’s live video on today’s full moon last night contemplating similar messages finding their way into my mental field. “With the Moon full and bright in the sky, symbolic “illumination” occurs in our own lives” cafeastrology.com further explains. So, what does that mean to me? I’m not quite sure. I asked that same question this morning standing outside snapping a picture of the moon with my IPhone hoping that the grainy picture would provide clarity. It didn’t.
I’m not sleeping well. I’ll blame it on stress. But to be honest my sleep schedule has been off for quite awhile now. I’m naturally an early riser, but lately I’ve been on this pattern of waking at 2am. I’m doing a victory dance if I actually sleep till 4am. But it does gives me gads of time to get things done and watch old Christmas movies (or at least movies that kind of fall into that category).
This morning I stood in my little kitchen slash dining area slash living room heating water for tea. I live on one side of a long rectangle gray 1962 duplex that sits in a very eclectic neighborhood called Government Hill. It’s been a long renovation process – over six years and I still have many projects to go with less and less money. Out of all the projects I’m happiest with my open living area with its painted white kitchen cabinets, dark laminate flooring that merges the space into a tiny living room. The open space is cozy but a challenge to decorate for Christmas and I wasn’t quite happy with the placement of the six foot white artificial tree by the front door. At the time I thought it would work, that I would get over the nagging feeling that it wasn’t quite right.
Up too early with too much alone time, my mind pondered all of this and in the spur of the moment, still in my robe, I decided to move the tree. Which meant I had to move the furniture. Which meant I had to move a fully decorated Christmas tree. And I did. I’m sure if someone was watching this tiny 5 foot, middle aged women, wrapped in a long purple robe tugging and sliding furniture around at 5am they would have laughed their heads off. But after some trial and error I stepped back to admire my nest. It felt right. I looked at the clock. It was time to make breakfast. My granddaughter would be over soon for our weekend breakfast.